


Ctrl, Alt, Delete

by ourfreewill



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 03, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Depression, Eating Disorders, Episode: s02e19 Hail and Farewell, Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Heavy Angst, I just realised this is my first sh fic, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Post-Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Self Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, and it's this angsty shit, make ups
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:17:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourfreewill/pseuds/ourfreewill
Summary: Alec didn’t know when food became a major part of his life. Before it was fuel, something he needed for survival. Now, it was both a friend and an enemy.Set after the breakup. Alec finds a way to cope, but finds himself losing control of the situation.





	1. Ctrl

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so if you didn't read the tags this story has warnings for: 
> 
> -eating disorders (it's not specific because I'm not a doctor)  
> -depression  
> -self-harm
> 
> If I think anything is going to be particularly triggering I will put a summary in the notes at the end.
> 
> Enjoy...?

Alec didn’t know when food became a major part of his life. Before it was fuel, something he needed for survival. Now, it was both a friend and an enemy.

After Magnus left him (ditched, dumped, whatever) he found solace in sugar. He used the sweet, fatty, and indulgent foods as a cushion, something to take away from the fall. But then the cushion was letting him fall prey to weakness. He could barely function after his first heartbreak. He wasn’t naive enough to think that this wouldn’t ever happen. That was stupid to think. He’d always had insecurities, that Magnus would drop him as soon as he found someone better, someone more like him, someone more experienced. But he’d always viewed them as his mind playing tricks, and ignored them - for the most part. But now he can’t ignore them. Everything starts attacking him all at once. Guilt, blame, anger, confusion, sadness, and more. They spill over the edge of the glass. 

He retreats to the friendliness of food, but he feels so out of control. So he takes it away. He feels better. He feels like he has normalcy again in the restricting. In a way he had always been restricting. Things he wants, things that he needs. And he returns to normal for a few days. And then he starts drowning again as he finds himself swimming into deeper water.

There’s twice the amount of pressure from the clave. Everyone around him are panicked and alert. He has to be in control, to set an example to all his subordinates. But he can’t. He feels out of his depth and powerless. Every time he comes up for a breath, he’s pushed down by another wave of paperwork, or something else. He feels like everyone can see through him into his soul and see the pathetic and worthless reality that hides behind the clothing, the skin and the flesh, wherein the real ugliness lies in his soul. 

He falls back to the friend in food, but he feels less power than he had ever felt. And that’s how he finds himself breaking down in the bathroom with bile running down his fingers. Sat on the bathroom floor staring at the shower, feeling nothing but blank. His eyes are red and tearful. They are puffy and his lips are shiny. He doesn’t move until later. Taking a deep sigh flushing the toilet, and washing his hands refusing to meet his eyes in the mirror.

That was how it started. 


	2. Alt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, next one will be posted in a few days because it's already written but I have had no energy to type it up.
> 
> TAGS HAVE BEEN UPDATED. Spoiler warnings are in the notes at the bottom.

Seeing Magnus for the first time since the breakup was like being stabbed in the chest. After the other had left Alec, his, as he referred to them, shameful behaviours had started to take a toll on his shadowhunting duties. He felt pathetic and weaker, nevertheless he felt in control. That's what Alec needed. Without it he's not sure he could survive. 

Talking in front of the Downworld council was Alec's idea of hell. He had become more self conscious of his appearance. Not typically his weight, but he was scared that people would recognise that he wasn't their strong leader, or for that matter strong in anyway. Just some broken little boy playing at his father's desk. He was afraid of looking like an idiot in front of the representatives, and that also had him on edge, though before it was fun with Magnus on his side; playfully joking, and he had the security of knowing someone had his back.

In that moment though, he wanted to find a large ditch and lay in it. He felt his heart fracture and the piece fall into his stomach. Magnus was stood behind the queen of the seelies refusing to meet his eye. Even after Alec's finely veiled apology to him, Magnus' eyes remain on the wall. 

When the queen was leaving she made sure to give him a sideways glance, making it unmistakable that she knew something. It's enough for Alec's mind to spiral in paranoia. 

That night he decided to skip out of the evening meal, instead retreated to his office. He denied Izzy's request to bring him something, claiming, not for the first time, that he'd get himself something later.

_"You know, paperwork."_

But not even fifteen minutes into the mountain of reports that he has to sign off on, he found himself on edge and tense.  _Cravings._ He put his fists to his forehead, elbows rested on his desk, and he attempted to rid himself of those thoughts. But they were too strong and his flung the chair back and lashed out at the wall with a loud  _"Fuck!"_

The fatigue, hunger, and the lightheadedness became too much, yet he refuses to let himself out of the office. Trying once again, to keep the thoughts at bay by burying himself in paperwork.

The days following were the same. Battling dizziness and hunger with aching fists. He lost the battle succumbing to the cravings and over indulging in anything that he could find in the kitchen before anyone noticed him. 

Then came the mission to stop Sebastian, in which he attempted to over exert himself until he didn't feel so useless for eating. But afterwards, he didn't feel satisfied, all he felt was exhaustion and the overwhelming need for sleep.

The next morning he woke up in his gear, headache banging against his skull. He stumbled into the bathroom, the idea to have a long shower tempted him. Instead he paused in front of the mirror just having managed to peel his shirt off, dust covering it from battling the forsaken at the cemetery. Failure. To Alec, he looked like he had never training in his life.He felt torn between crying and dry heaving. In the end he wasted more time loathing his reflection and picking out every flaw. So much time, that people began to wonder where he was.

But with the threat of valentine, no one really paid that much attention to one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- trigger warning for self harm, as he punches a wall. 
> 
> \- trigger warning for body dysmorphic disorder. He appears muscle less and fat.
> 
> Does anyone want more than part three, which would be post finale? If you do, let me know so I know to make it good ;) (I joke, just less shit than it would usually be)
> 
> tumblr: ourfreewillfanfic.tumblr.com


	3. Delete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry in advance for mistakes but I don't actually think my brain is working rn

Alec crept around the corner of the corridor, using his runes to make his footfalls silent - which was perhaps overkill, but he was too anxious to care. The only scales in the institute were in the infirmary. Alex was unsure why he was doing this - sneaking around at 3am to check his weight. It  _was_  his way of coping, and in hindsight this was where everything started blurring. He ignored his internal doubts and kept going, navigating himself through the institute's long corridors until he too soon ended up at the infirmary.

It was a quiet night at the institute. He knew only night patrol would be around, everyone else seizing any and every opportunity to sleep when they could. He didn't think anyone would be around. No one he knew of was staying in the infirmary.

He slowly opened the door - a small crack, then a little bit more, and then enough so he could fit his head through. Satisfied no one was around, he stepped in, the automatic lights cracking and clicking on, illuminating the room for him.

The scales were to the left of the door. Just a small square on the floor, with a monitor next to it. He looked around once again, the anxiety of getting caught still rampant in his mind. He stepped on the scales, refusing to look at the monitor as it went up and up.

Shadowhunters' weights never tended to change. Their training and eating schedules were constant. They had check-ups once a year, more if they were injured. Alec had never had anything negative.

187.

That was the number on the scale. He had definitely lost weight, which gave him a burst of elevation - dare he say - and happiness. A light feeling that went right to his head. A voice in his head protested that this wasn't healthy and that he should stop, but a louder voice shot it down, and shouted louder and made him more determined. His reasons were becoming less and less important. 

The next day the institute started getting the reports of demon activity in the city. Alec couldn’t think. His mind was so foggy and tired and all of his limbs felt heavy. The demons used the skies to their advantage, agile and determined, gliding their way between the buildings. With a sense of urgency, and a burst of caffeine he managed to shoot one down.

Having to call on his ex-boyfriend for help was not something he ever wanted to task himself with again. For not the first time, Magnus had tried to slam the door on him. And he couldn't help but feel a little bit of anger. It was frustrating. Especially since he was here on official business, and a little part of him just really wanted to be back at the loft. He had become accustomed to it and it was home, if only for a short while. But Magnus was looking at him, he thought he should know, shouldn't he? But at the same time Magnus looked so nonchalant about everything, his coping mechanism along with alcohol presumably. Alec was stood there only conscious of the fat on his body. Every time Alec took a step, he internally winced.

When at the rift, Alec was embarrassed that Magnus had to save him. He still couldn’t focus on the targets. The demon seemed even more resolute, protecting the entrance to the city – the one Alec had sworn to protect. Commanding himself to run faster, Alec’s legs were lead and non-compliant. His lungs burnt as he tried to outrun the beast, but in the end it was a close call. Magnus, had collapsed exerting himself, and Alec was not entirely sure that he wasn’t going to join him, but he couldn’t show weakness in front of him or his sister, so he kept going. 

At the beginning of the celebration, Alec felt unease. He had been desperate to talk to Magnus properly, and when he eventually got the chance he felt a load of pressure finally release. He couldn’t help but think that it would be better now though. Alec held out hope, but a voice said otherwise.

_ You might not be able to live without him, but you can't live without me either. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates are really slow because I have a life that likes to get in the way. 
> 
> Next chapter is in the works and it will actually have talking.


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I present an attempt at canon with more swearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update I've been too depressed to do anything.
> 
> It's really half cooked, I just couldn't work on it any longer or I'd literally never post it. I have perfectionism issues lmao
> 
> I may have made them completely ooc when using speech so if it reads that way please please please tell me, and/or give me constructive criticism! It's my first time writing a shadowhunters fic so it's a little bit trial and error :)

Magnus’ loft hadn’t changed dramatically over the couple of weeks they had been apart. When they returned, and Alec could have a proper look around without the door being swung into his line of vision, he noticed that Magnus had replaced the curtains and a couple of paintings on the wall had been moved around. But the books and jars had stayed on their respective shelves. The loft had a sombre feel, but there was an air of promise quickly rising.

Uncomfortability crept into with the situation, as though he had walked into stranger's home; he wasn't sure what to do with himself. Should he have sat, or should he have stood awkwardly near the door. Magnus had walked in too quickly, escaping the silence that filled their walk, to pour himself a large drink from the decanter near the windows. Alec, not being the biggest fan of drinking anything alcoholic, started to think he might be in need of one as well.

They stayed in silence for a while, both racking their brains for a conversation starter. A mutual decision lead them to decide to call it a night and head for bed.

The night was awful. Alec had tried to sleep. He laid down on the edge of Magnus' bed, curling into himself. If Magnus noticed, he didn't say anything. An hour after Magnus had started drifting, Alec had removed himself from the sheets and warmth, taking his phone with him, he checked it quickly, paranoid that the war was not over.

He sat on the edge of the sofa cushion, elbows planted on his knees and his head rested in the palms of his hands. All of a sudden, everything was wrong and he couldn’t get over the urge that he should be doing something, despite his enervated limbs. He paced around, his mind feeling frantic. He made the conscious decision to activate a silencing rune, not wanting to invite Magnus into his madness.

He ceased his pacing when he received an alert from the institute that a member of the clave would visit the institute in the morning, to collect statements from everyone in the institute about what happened in New York, as well as from Clary and Jace in particular about what happened in Idris.

When Alec got to the institute in the morning everyone was bustling around as usual. Alec knew he would have to stand in front of everyone and let everyone know of the goings on before, or even after the clave member had arrived, due to him not giving them the curtesy of letting them know when they would be arriving.

As soon as he arrived at the institute he was immediately swamped. Like someone was tying bricks to his feet, one after the other, report after report. The shadowhunter sent by the clave was efficient, opting to get started straight away. He systematically read reports and reviewed files, then began the interviews, much to Alec’s dismay they went on all throughout the day and into the night. Alec was questioning the shadowhunters’ endurance as he was almost dead on his feet himself. The entirety of the day he was not allowed a minutes rest to eat, or drink even a drop. He had a massive headache and he could feel his vital organs deciding that they would shut down if he continued like this. When he looked over the past few weeks he was surprise that his heart hadn’t stopped. He believed he was better now. Everything was going to be okay, he was sure of it.

Walked down the hallway, he encountered Jace sulking outside the room where their visitor had set up shop.

“That guy is such an idiot. He asked me the same question at least six times.” Jace complained. “He said that he might follow up. Alec please save me, if I have to see that guy again I’m going to put my seraph blade through my eye.”

“Oh what a pity, I won’t be able to hear you whine anymore.” Alec replied, continuing his walk towards his office. “Though you wouldn’t be under scrutiny if you didn’t do problematic shit.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side.” Jace said. “By the way, what did you tell them?”

“I haven’t old them anything, yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because it took me half an hour to find where you were hiding, Clary ran off, again, and Izzy was less than compliant and was threatening to shove a boot somewhere if he so much as used the wrong tone.”

“That’s my girl.”

“Don’t encourage her. She’s been this close to being deruned before.” Alec resisted the ‘because of you’ on the end, despite how bitter he was feeling today. He had been on his feet the entire day, running around rounding up people for questioning since eight AM. 

They turned the corner to Alec’s office just as the clave member ran to catch up with them, notebook in hand. He was a small man, with short brown hair, neatly combed back. He straightened out his tie, and smoothed his jacket.

“Sorry to interrupt, but Mr. Lightwood you’re next.”

Alec turned to Jace, merely giving him a, “I’ll see you later,” and turned on his heel, following the clave member back down the corridor.

The room where they were holding the not-interrogations-but-very-much-an-interrogation was a smaller office that was rarely used. Set aside for interactions such as these, or if many high ranking clave delegates were visiting and needed somewhere to be, or more than likely where the head of institute would be forced into if somewhere of a higher stature claimed their office. Recently Maryse had been using it when back from Idris.

Alec returned to his office after the interrogation. He slumped at his desk and looked down at the paper work he was in the process of filling in between the lengthy stints when he had to hunt people down. He picked up his pen intending on getting started, but instead he put his head down on the desk, letting himself curl inwards to the desk. His head was aching, he thought that if he just closed his eyes for a minute he would regain some of his concentration and motivation.

Izzy’s heels woke Alec up an hour later. She was stood in front of his desk when he lifted his head from the vast papers littered across his desk.

He lifted his head, opening his eyes, feeling disoriented. “Yeah?”

“Don’t ‘yeah’ me. You fell asleep.” Izzy said pointedly, hand on her hip

“Great observational skills.” Alec replied groggily. “It’s been a long day.”

”Yeah, and you should go to sleep.”

“Well technically I was...”

“Somewhere that isn’t here. You work too hard anyway. I’m not going to stop bothering you until you’re at least a mile away from this place.”

He pushed himself up from where he was resting on the desk, sitting upright he started to protest, “Iz...”

“Come on big brother. Everyone’s already suffocating in Jace’s angst, you have the option to escape. Run, fast.” Izzy noticed his hesitation. “I thought you and Magnus had…”

“We have, it’s just…” Not wanting to get into all of his many insecurities he decided to just leave, facing that he needed the break and the chance to leave. “Actually never mind I’m going.”

 

It was going to take him time to be able to refer to the loft as home again. He was disassociated from the building, he didn't feel like he belonged there anymore, as if he was an intruder or some kind of pest that couldn't be removed. He briefly thought how thankful how full his hands were at the institute.

Alec found Magnus on his sofa legs splayed in front of him as he lay back with his head resting on the arm. Alec wasn't surprised to find a drink in one hand, letting it rest against his thigh. Takeaway food from a fancy Thai pace they had tried before was laid out on the coffee table.

"I wasn't sure when you were going to be back. But I thought I'd be prepared." Magnus kicked his legs off the sofa, now sat upright and he leant forward and placed his drink onto the table.

"This is great." Alec smiled, but was already beginning to overthink the food and made quick work to push away the thoughts. He immediately started pulling away the packaging and serving the food up onto his plate. He hesitated when picking up the fork but he ate quickly when he finally managed to take a bite. He kept eating past fullness feeling himself spiral into thoughts of disgust and complete lack of control he let himself revel in the defiance. But he was only really fighting against himself.

"You should really slow down, you might choke." Alec felt embarrassed about being called out about eating, but it didn't dissuade him from continuing to shove food into his mouth. He began to feel sick, hating the fullness that he felt, yet he continued. But by the end of the meal he still wanted more. And self-loathing thoughts grew and got louder.

Magnus on the other hand want to start talking and of course this was good time to start bring it up.

"I think we need to lay out some ground rules." Magnus started.

"Like...?" Alec prompted.

"No lying. If this is going to work, we need to be open and honest with each other."

"Okay, what else."

"On the topic of honesty, we don't need to bottle things up. We can't push each other away." Magnus continued adding. "Our problems should be sorted, together. No holding back for the sake of the other.”

And like that it was resolved. Alec does feel better now that the issue had been sorted and they are back together. Like everything could finally be better. He doesn't feel so bad, and he doesn't feel so cornered about eating when he's with Magnus, and he grabs control back and that he can live his life freely.

Well, that's what he was telling himself anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this sucks...
> 
> >> ourfreewillfanfic.tumblr.com <<


	5. Shift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> life goes on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled putting any semblance of plot into this one. I haven't really checked through it, it's late, I'm tired, all I've done is sleep all day, my eating is all over the place lately, and my life isn't great right now.
> 
> But here it is, the chapter that I've been writing on and off (mostly off - life/exams) for six months.

For the past month, normalcy had prevailed. He felt like it was old times - but improved. He felt as though everyone got on better, and there wasn't the intense and awkward atmosphere that was held before they had met Clary and everything changed. And it did, for everyone. Instead of doing the same, as Isabelle had once described, they went a different route, did new things, met new people. Even if then was bad, it paid off now. And that's what Alec felt as he sat down for breakfast with Magnus that morning - something they did most mornings. He'd started off eating regularly (lunch at the institute, or Izzy and Jace wanted to go out he would join them), so he considered himself to have gotten over whatever it was he was feeling, in regards to food over the past months. 

Until he caught himself in the mirror one morning and it stuck in his mind all day, and by the time four PM came around he realised he hadn't eaten anything _._ Another day, for an extended period of time, he stood in front of the mirror rubbing at his collar bones, at the muscles in his arms, his ribs, stomach. Staring in disappointment. What he saw in the mirror was not the body of a soldier, he wasn't good enough. He needed to be better. 

This would become a common exercise in his life. He would stand in front of the mirror for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes before continuing his day as normal. For those minutes he would completely leave reality and become transfixed by the mirror, becoming more and more frustrated with what he saw. 

 

Isabelle had said it would be 'quick and fun', and had basically begged Alec to come out and do some hunting, like old times. Considering the nostalgic, sentimental mood he had been in lately how could he say no. Except, that for most of the day he had been battling fatigue, light headedness (especially the black spots in his vision), and general sloth-ness all day. It was simple, but yet again, he was off his game. According to the report they had received it was a group of shifters just milling around, causing problems with mundanes. 

He mostly hung back, shooting arrows and trying to cover other shadowhunters. When two came at him from the side he was forced to strike quickly with his seraph blade, killing one of the demons disguised as an accountant, but was knocked down by the other.  His ankle was fine until they started walking back to the institute. He tried to hide the limping, lagging behind the group – also not wanting to draw the attention of drawing an iratze rune. He hoped it would come across as brooding. Isabelle was towards the front and turner around and caught his eye. He gave her a pathetic attempt at a smile, one that didn't reach his eyes or even engage with the muscles in his face. But was reassuring enough for her to turn around and continue her conversation with Clary. 

When they got back to the institute there was talk of getting cleaned up and then going somewhere to eat, or drink. Alec used the excuse of people work to hide. There was always an abundance of it.      

 

 

The next time Alec went down to the infirmary it was because he couldn't trust his own eyes. In his confused hurried frenzy, he pushed open the infirmary door and was met with one of the medics pushing another shadowhunter off the examination table. 

"Uh, sir... This is not... it's... I don't have a good excuse." She looked to shadowhunter she had pushed for help, but he scowled at her in response. 

Alec stared on in a shocked silence, mostly from his own almost being caught and not having a good explanation for being there either.

"We're just going to go..." The medic straightened herself out, and left with a hurried walk. The other shadowhunter picked himself up from the floor, nodding at Alec, before excusing himself.

Alec didn't have time to process what had just happened, making  beeline for the scales. Stepping on, refusing to look down until he heard the beep.

When he did persuade himself to bite the bullet and look, a breath caught in his throat. 

184. 

He smiled slightly as he stepped off the scale. He felt pretty good for once. He wasn't sure whether this was what it took to make him happy, in that case he wasn't going to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *focussing a little on the body dysmorphia side of things just because that's what I've been struggling with lately and it's nice to vent.
> 
> Next one coming soon-ish. I have one exam next week so that's out of the way.
> 
> I'm really insecure about this chapter idk why
> 
>  [tumblr](http://ourfreewillfanfic.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Find me here: ourfreewillfanfic.tumblr.com - ask is open, prompts are taken, questions answered.
> 
>  
> 
> UPDATE: 11/11/18
> 
> It’s been a lil while, buuuut I am still writing! I have started recovery, and I was planning on abandoning this in order to fully commit, but i find this more therapeutic than triggering so I shall continue. I also got new antidepressants so I may have more motivation. We shall see :)


End file.
